Commitment Phobia
Question:
I am a matured single lady in a relationship for some years, from the look of things it appears that my boy friend is afraid of commitment. He avoids all questions about putting a time frame on our future together. How do I deal with this?
Thanks.
Name withheld.
Response from a relationship coach:
You didn’t give your age, but I would assume you are above 35, and probably concerned about your biological clock. Thanks for sharing anyway, but please let me assure you that your case is not unique; there are many in the same boat, and it has nothing to do with age. Commitment is one of the most important goals of any sustainable relationship.
Basically, commitment is an obligation that binds a person to a particular person or course of action, and it can either be made willingly or unwillingly. Some people request commitment early on in a relationship while others may have longer time frame before they express any concern over a lack of commitment, and it can be expressed in other circumstances outside of romantic relationships… like in work situations.
While at work, it manifests as avoidance or rejection of projects and assignments, in a relationship commitment issues may prompt one or both partners to reject the opportunity to pursue a more stable, intimate arrangement such as getting married.
Several factors could be driving your partner’s inability to commit, which could range from being in love with someone else, to a fear of responsibility and losing his identity. You must realize that his perception of the situation is what governs his behavior. Therefore you should to open up a conversation with him to examine the possible cause, which could include one or more of the following:
- Fear of being controlled
- Immaturity and the need to remain young
- Fear of reduced social life with friends or buddies
- Fear of financial responsibility
- Fear of your being more demanding
- Fear of being “trapped” and losing all sense of freedom
- Fear of the unknown – here, a person may feel that he/ she is making a lifetime commitment without any idea of what is up ahead.
Open discussions like this can either make or break relationships, still, they are the only opportunities to communicate deep-rooted fears and feelings with each other, and they don’t have to be confrontational.
After this heart to heart, if the pattern of avoidance and procrastination remains the same, just know that it has a good chance of being an indefinite status quo. As painful as this may be, you must realize that chasing an elusive carrot as the saying goes, is demoralizing and will devalue your self-worth. So my advice would be that you set your tolerance level and once you get there and things don’t change, you might do best to end it there, rather than give ultimatums that won’t work because they are never a healthy option.
I wish you well.
Culled from tw May 2017 edition
